BFF BF (Or the reason Albus Dumbledore did not die in AVPM)
by KK94
Summary: Warning: - Contains Silliness, OOcness at times, Gayness, Bitch fits and just general fun! The REAL reason that Albus Dumbledore didn't die in AVPM. Be warned, Voldemort is the jealous type! ONE-SHOT!


**(Hey guys. So, it's been a while. Words cannot express how sorry I am, they really can't. What with work and lack of sleep and writers block and too many ideas/not fast enough typer, well... no updates. Oops. Anyway, at the moment, I'm re-writing the next chapter of 'In Denial', because I really hated how i'd written it. I'm also starting to write a story that originally was going to be a one-shot, but most likely will end up another story series. I MAY, not very likely but MAY add a chapter to change of fate, but that is highly unlikely. And, the piece de resistance, i'm working on a Fanfiction based on chatzy rps, with characters being interviewed and what-not. So yeah, three out of four of them I've been working on at once, which never works XD. **

**So, instead of finishing a chapter, I've decided to upload a random one-shot to clear my thoughts and say sorry. YEEEY!**

**Warning: - Randomness, OOC but not quite, pairings that are mentioned and not mentioned in AVPM, Gayness, Girly fights and just general parody spamness. This will be just completely random and probably not make sense at parts. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

**So... I present to you... **

**BEST FRIENDS FOREVER BITCH FIT! (Or the reason Albus Dumbledore did not die in AVPM)**

Life is complicated. Messy. Things don't always turn out how you think they will. These were the thoughts Lord Voldemort always carried around with him, along with his black and broken beyond repair heart and his cunning mind, currently in agony. Let's face it, everything about Tom Marvolo Riddle is a mess. So how does he survive each day? How does he live with himself, killing innocent people and regularly trying to rule the world?

Easy. HE HAS FRIENDS!

Even the special friendship tattoos they had proved that they were all friends. Sure, it hurt sometimes when he summoned the others into his presence, but they all agreed it was worth it, especially since they were in Voldemort's gang!

Especially today, when Voldemort had planned a party for them all, where they ate lots of cheesecake, played party games and danced together. They sang and laughed and had fun. But all too soon, as friends do, they had to part.

"Ok Homies, it's getting late. I don't want all of your wives and husbands ringing me up at Wizard God knows what time in the morning, nagging me for making you lot late for work tomorrow. Obviously Snape's excluded." He added with a wicked grin.

"Ooooh burn!"A random Death Eater commented. He suddenly got transfigured into a duck billed platypus.

"What?" Severus asked innocently, hiding his wand behind his back and shifting his eye left to right.

As the Death Eaters stopped laughing, they all bid farewell to Voldy, thanking him for the party.

"Severus, seriously, stay here the night man, we need to talk." Voldemort commented, draping his arm around the other and escorting him into the bedroom.

There, Voldemort put on his ballerina pjs with pink springy headband and mickey mouse slippers.

"Ahhh, that's better," he sighed as he shrugged on a leopard print nightgown. "Do you have any idea how hot that bloody thing gets?" He scowled, curling up into his favourite armchair.

"Errr... No Tom. But I can't stay the night, I haven't got any clothes-"

"Borrow some of my own Severus, I've got too many anyways. I'm just addicted to pink and purple and fuzzy nightdresses with stockings and stuffed toys an-"

Severus listened to this rant with a confused WTF face, before interrupting. "If you think I'd be caught DEAD in any of your clothes, you've got another thing going."

Gasping, Voldemort placed a had on his chest. "Knife through heart! Please Severus, oh please please please PLEASEEEEEE! It's really important!"

Sighing, Severus closed his eyes. "You're not going to give up, are you?"

Grinning, Voldemort's reply was simple. "Nope!" He could see Severus was wavering, so he struck a deal with him. "Hey, i'll let you wear my black set of clothes, since I know that you wear that color best."

Opening his eyes, he tilted his head to the side. "Well, I do look fabulous in black..."

"You do! PWEAAAAAAASEEE SEVVY!" Puppy dog eyes were unleashed, the full force aimed at Severus

Groaning, he got out of the surprisingly comfortable chair. "Fine, i'll st-"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Voldemort cried, dragging Severus by the hand into his walk in cupboard. As he was comically dragged into the depths of sparkly and bright colors the likes of which would rival Paris Hilton, Severus wondered what he had gotten himself into.

* * *

Voldemort is a bastard, Severus thought.

He emerged wearing a black cat-girl nightdress, curved in all the right places, with matching mask, purple and black fluffy spring headband and Kermit the frog slippers. Thankfully, he didn't have a nightgown.

"So... this is your idea of 'black suiting me'? Severus asked, giving Voldy the biggest dirty look he could muster.

"Hey, don't hate the fabulousness that is Moi!" Voldy replied, grabbing Severus's hand and pulling him to a full view mirror.

Severus opened his mouth to answer but was distracted by how irresistible his reflection looked. "Wow, I- Is - is it bad I wish I could clone myself right now so I can turn my clone into a women and do her wearing this outfit?"

"No no not at all, that's almost how I feel everyday." Voldemort watched as Severus starting giggling slightly. The giggling started small, like little bubbles escaping from his chest. A small grin slowly formed into a large one, as much longer, louder chuckles began forming. Voldemort himself tried to hide a grin, and after awkward eye contact with Severus, he too just gave up and burst into laughter.

Five minutes later, the two of them were skipping around the house, giggling and singing the words 'tra la laaaaa' occasionally, Captain Underpants style. Oh the joys of having a best friend.

* * *

"OK." Both boys had calmed down and re-attached themselves to their seats, curled up with cups of hot chocolate and Lucky Charms cereal, with red vines on the side for when the cereal ran out. Friends season three was playing in the background. "Now that we got all that out of our system, i'd like to talk about our plan to take over Hogwarts."

Stuffing his mouth full of cereal, Severus nodded. "Okay." He muttered, mouth full and bits of marshmallow going everywhere.

Looking vaguely disgusted, Voldy continued. "So, a few days ago, I managed to secure a place as the minister for magic by killing off Cornelius Fudge."

"You killed Fudge? Oh that's nice..."

"Indeed." Voldy nodded. "And, of course, i've got my body back, so steps one and two are complete-"

"OH OH OH!" Severus interrupted, flapping both hands in his direction as an instruction to shut him up. "I thought I noticed you were no longer demanding to be attached to the back of Quirrell's head like a parasite, sucking out his soul and every ounce of his life. How is dear Quirinus? Is her OK?" He held his head in both hands, kicking his feet like a schoolgirl.

"Yeah well-" Voldy's expression changed and he leaned back, looking anywhere but at Severus. He swallowed guilt and answered "I thought you were at the graveyard that night."

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely not me." Severus insisted, looking at Voldy with seriousness in his eyes.

With a permanent confused face, Voldy looked from Severus to his hand. "Bu-but, didn't y- wasn't it... part of the ritual that you cut your hand off?"

A cunning smile spread across Severus's face. "Ah now THAT was my twin brother. I couldn't leave my post as the spy at Hogwarts, but you also needed me there. Solution? Send my brother to chop off his hand, that way I don't suffer and I still get vital information for you." To prove his point, he rose both hands and waved his fingers.

"A- Yo- But- YOU LITTLE SHIT! Now I see where Draco got it from!" He growled, pulling a pouty face.

Severus laughed manically. "It's funny because I started wearing a fake hook around that time, before even realizing what had happened." Composing himself, he straightened his face. "So, what happened to Quirrell?"

Avoiding eye contact, Voldy spoke in a low menacing voice he reserved for Potter. "He's in Azkaban!"

Severus's eyes widened behind the cat girl mask. "Le Gasp! You monster! You actually went through with the plan?"

In front of anyone else, Voldy would have shouted at the black haired man for questioning him, but it was just the two of them so he sighed. "Yeah..."

Severus tutted and shook his head dramatically. "Shame on you, Tommy. Shame you you."

"Hey! Be Quiet, Snivellus!" Voldy retorted with a cackle.

Sniffing, Severus spoke in a false upset voice. "You bully!" He returned to his normal indifferent facial expression. "So, plan to rule the world."

"Yes!" Voldy shook his head, causing the springs to dance back and forth. Being Voldemort, he got distracted. "Ooooh... springy..." He then bobbed his head in time to the springs. "Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh voldy, voldy, voldy-voldemort!" He sang, making a pop noise with his finger in his mouth.

Severus sighed. Sometimes, Voldemort went far too much off topic. He snapped his fingers. "The plan?"

"What? Hmmm... Oh yeah! Right. As you know, I have given Draco a top secret mission because he is my new Munchkin of Doom!" He spoke the last few worlds in a deep dramatic voice, then continued to speak in a squeaky high-pitched voice. "Did you see the home-made Dark Mark on his arm? It's my new cover photo on Facebook."

"What the devil? What happened to Zefron?"

"Oh, I think the three hundred and ninety five photos and one hundred and fifty two Facebook pages I joined about him is enough to say sorry." His lip quivered. "Forgive me, second God of sexiness..." He whispered, lip quivering.

Severus looked completely shocked. "SECOND? Wait... that's beside the point... So, what about Draco's secret mission?"

"TOP secret mission. Don't forget the top." Voldy corrected.

Rolling his eyes, [[Severus continued. "TOP secret Mission."

"Right. Thinking about it now, my Munchkin of Doom is... mhm... a bit TOO young to put under such responsibility. So, if it's OK with you, I was hoping that you could help him out?"

Severus's mouth dropped open, and his hand flew to his chest. "What? Me? Really? OH MA GAWD VOLDY! I'd be HONOURED!"

After a few minutes of jumping around and girlish squealing, the pair took their seats. "So, what's the mission?"

"Well, as you know, we have control of everywhere. But there's still someone getting in the way..."

"Three guesses who." Severus replied, sarcasm obvious in his voice.

"Yes. That Potter is too sheltered in his life. So of course his family were killed, his Godfather, that Lupin guy who was his teacher and a few other people who spent time with him. All of those people were close to Potter, and their deaths DESTROYED him. But there's still one person that's there, shielding him."

"So you want me to get rid of that person? If Draco can't?" Severus asked, taking a sip of his hot chocolate with marshmallows, because NO chocolate should ever not have marshmallows.

"Precisely. Your mission, should you choose to accept it..." Voldemort dramatically paused.

Leaning forward, Severus urged him to go on. "Well?"

"You must kill. Albus. Dumbledore."

The smile that was on Severus's face fell. "Wait, what?"

Voldemort continued, not noticing Severus's reaction. "Just a simple Avada Kedavra, you know, nothing too fancy-"

"I-bu-yo- I... I can't... kill him. I can't kill him I JUST CAN'T!" Severus yelled.

Voldemort gave him a weird look. "What? Why?"

"Because... er... he's headmaster of Hogwarts?" Severus almost asked, praying it was enough.

Frowning, Voldemort put his cup down. "Exactly. Hogwarts will be mine!"

"..." While he was thinking, Voldemort noticed he was getting visibly upset. "Because he will be too well missed, and you'll be find out."

Smiling, Voldemort thought that he was getting visibly upset at the thought of him going to jail. "Awww Sevvy, you are swo CUTE! You don't have to worry over me, I'm totally awesome! I get away with EVERYTHING!" He smiled. "Now the pla-"

"No no no NO NO NO! You can't make me kill him! I don't WANT TO KILL HIM!" Severus yelled, panicked.

"Well your excuses before weren't enough, so are you going to tell me why?" Voldemort crossed his arms and fixed Severus with a firm stare.

"Er..."

"I'm waiting..."

"... Well..."

"FOR WIZARD GOD'S SAKE SPIT IT OUT OR I'LL KILL HIM MYSEL-"

"BECAUSE HE'S MY BEST FRIEND!"

Now it was Voldemort's turn for his face to fall. He blinked, registering what Severus had just said. He bit his lip and closed his eyes once, before opening them. "... HE is your best friend."

Tears formed in Severus's eyes. "Yeah, Dumbledore is funny and cool and awesome, please don't make me kill him Tom!"

"HE'S your best friend?" Voldy screamed, jumping to his feet, flapping his hands, voice as high pitched as if he'd been kicked in the nether region. "HE's YOUR BEST FRIEND?! What am I? Scotch mist?"

Severus jumped up to meet him, begging him to understand. "Tom, listen to me!"

"I thought WE were BFFs Severus!" Voldy screeched , jumping up and down now to match his flapping hands. "I thought I was cool, I thought WE were tight!"

"We ARE Tom, but-"

Tears rolled down his face, and his eyes scrunched up, so that Tom looked exactly like the depressed crying face. "Well, OBVIOUSLY not tight enough. I'M MEANT TO BE YOUR BESTIE! You're meant to be on MY SIDE!"

"I am-"

"Yet you still prefer Dumbledore over me!" He ran up to Severus and started slapping him pathetically. "How could you do this to me Severus? TO ME! Why? Why him!"

"BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!" Severus shouted back, grabbing onto Tom's collar. "I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM TOM! Don't make me kill the person I love..." He yelled, crying himself.

He stepped away from Severus's grasp, looking at him weirdly. Growing up, Tom didn't know what love was, and he didn't know what it was. He certainly did not know how Severus could be in love with Albus Dumbledore. "...Love?" The anger in his voice had gone.

"Yes! And he loves me too, I know he does. I heard him tell Potter- If I was bit on the wiener by a snake, he'd... suck out the poison." He finished, blushing.

Raising a brow, Voldy shivered slightly from the mental images. "Right... thanks for that. But I'm sorry Severus, it still stands, you HAVE to kill him. Sacrifices have been made on everyone's account and I have to rule the world." He couldn't look Severus in the eye as he let go of his collar and collapsed onto his knees, his face blank. "No please don't look like that. I'm your boss, you have to do as I say." None of that changed the expression on his face and the guilt that was already present in his body for the few few months intensified. He knelt down to his level. "Please don't cry, Severus."

"You wouldn't understand..." Severus muttered angrily. "You've never met someone and hate them so much at first. You've never got to know that person, to be their rock, talked to them about anything. You've never wanted to do anything for that person. You've never had a best friend that you've secretly fallen for and never been able to tell them until it was too late!"

Voldy opened his mouth, tears in his eyes. One person had been in his mind throughout the whole of that speech. He knew, he knew what it was like, he knew how hard life was. "How... how could I-" He sniffed, wiping his eyes to make them dry. "How could I hurt the guy who makes my best friend happy?"

Severus looked up with hope in his eyes. "Wh-what are y-you s-saying?" He hiccoughed.

See, he even sounds like him... Voldemort thought. "I still want to rule...But not at the extent of hurting you. And if that means keeping Dumbledore alive, then-" He sighed. "So be it."

Before Voldy knew it, he was receiving the biggest glomp ever. "Tommy, you are the best, dude!" He screamed, holding the older man tight. "But, why?"

He wrapped his arms around Severus briefly before letting go. "Because I know what you're going through, buddy."

Realization flooded through Severus's eyes, as he widened them. "You didn't want to go through with the plan did you?"

Voldemort shook his head. "No..." He spoke in a squeak before his face crumpled and he full on collapsed to the floor, rolling into a ball and sobbing loudly. "Quirrell, come back to me please! I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry Quirrell please don't be in Azkaba-a-an..."

"There there..." Severus wrapped his arms around Voldemort and held him.

"It's not fair! Everything was perfect, she opened her mouth and he was gone an-and now it feels like there's a hole in my chest and every time I think of that day it hurts and I know it's her fault that BITCH! He was right, my sweet Squirrell was right. I'm going to kill fucking Bellatrix Lestrange!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Bellatrix was out shopping with Narcissa and, strangely enough, Molly Weasley. What the golden trio and their friends didn't know was that Molly, Cissy and Bella were secret BFF's. All three of them laughed and giggled as Molly told them stories about her and her husbands anniversary.

"So, he burnt the dinner a bit, but you know how much I love burnt food." The other two nodded as she continued. "And when I opened the last present, it was an ironing board cover!"

The pair laughed. "What is he like!" Narcissa grinned, wiping tears out of his eyes. "So, Bella, how are things between you and Lucius?"

Bella opened his mouth to reply, but Molly interrupted with a confused expression on his face. "Sorry Bella, but aren't you married to Lucius, Cissy?"

"Haven't we ever told you?" Bella asked confused. Molly replied by shaking her head.

"OK." She took a deep breath and prepared to speak. Molly, sensing a long speech, opened a bag of MnMs and a can of Butterbeer (A new released product of the wizarding company.) "When me and Louie first met, we had a little fling. Nothing to bad!" She interrupted before Molly spoke, eyes wide. "We just... snogged a bit. Draco was formed through IVF, even he doesn't know. Anyways, Louie and I realized not long after that this 'arranged marriage wasn't going to work. I thought of him as a brother and when I talked to him about it, turns out he thought exactly the same about me. A bit weird that he thought of me as his brother, but... yeah."

"So, why did you both get married?" Molly asked, curious.

"Because they were forced to." Bella answered for Cissy, who was taking a drink of a Muggle drink known as Coke.

"Yeah... hmm not bad... But yeah, our parents literally would have KILLED us if we didn't go through with this, so we did. We both vowed to stay together, in a brother/sister kind of way, until our parents died, or we had enough money for us both to move to New York. There's a ministry of Magic department over there, always with vacancies."

"You'd be surprised how many wizarding communities are in America." Bella added, taking the can that Cissy offered and taking a sip, automatically spitting it back out. "You like this shit? It's worse than Squirt!"

"OK, so you're married, but open to relationships?" Cissy nodded. "So, when did you come into this Bella?"

Bella blushed and refused to answer, so Cissy did it for her. "It was ADORABLE Molly, I wish we knew how cool you were back then. Father made us have a giant one year anniversary party, and I invited Bella. She didn't know back then, because I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, obviously. But I introduced them and- it was like a FAIRYTALE Molly, it really was!"

"Go on..."

"As they shook hands they both kind of froze, their eyes widening a bit as they looked at each other. It took ten whole seconds before they snapped out of it. Then she spent the whole night pretending to hate him, and he spent the whole night looking at her with casual indifference. But when I got home that night, he asked me so many questions about her, and she text me the whole time asking about him. They became friends, I explained to her what's going on, and now... well... they're-"

"JUST FRIENDS!" Bellatrix interrupted. "I've pledged my eternal love to the Dark Lord. It doesn't matter how... silky Lucius Malfoy's hair is..." She trailed off, staring into took Cissy clicking her fingers in front of her face to snap her out of her thoughts.

"You DO know that Quirrell is hopelessly in love with Tom and won't let him go without a fight, right?" Cissy asked as Molly looked on completely confused.

Sighing normally, Bella replied. "Yeah... A part of me wishes them luck, but I have to keep appearances. I wish I could explain to him-" Bellatrix paused with a frown on her face. "That's weird. Ear is burning..."

Molly watched with slight interest as Bella rubbed her right ear. "Well you know what they say. When your ears burn, someone is talking about you. Left for love, right for spite."

"Well that narrows it down." She rolled her eyes. "So, Cissy, are you going to tell us your secret crush yet?"

* * *

Ten minutes later, our favorite men were collapsed on the floor, crying their eyes out over their best friends.

"I miss his so much, Sevvy!" Voldemort cried, rocking back and forth and sucking his thumb.

"I miss my Dumbly Wumbly!" Severus replied, rolling on the floor like Draco Malfoy.

Once they got the tears out of theiir system, they started discussing how they were going to make sure Dumbledore lives. Deciding they needed a plan, they sat there in silence, as seconds turned to minutes, both with frowns on their faces thinking of the perfect idea.

Voldemort gasped. "I've got it!"

* * *

Dumbledore paces, waaaaay too much. He also sings High School Musical duets with his poster of Zefron, which he recently discovered he could talk to. No one else could hear the poster, so Dumbledore kept this secret to himself and his God. At that precise moment in time, he was having a karaoke session with the poster.

"We're soaring!" He sang, spinning like a merry-go-round, with his arms out and waving his arms.

"Flyiiiiiing!" The piece of Voldemort's soul attached to the poster sang in his raspy voice.

"There's not a star in he-" Their duet was interrupted by the phone ringing. "Hmm.. Wonder who that could be?" He walked over and picked up his mobile. "Hello, Big D speaking."

A raspy voice answered the phone, breathing heavily down the phone for a few seconds, wheezing, before he answered. "Whatcha wearing?" He asked with chuckles in the background.

I can see where this is going... Dumbledore thought. Grinning evilly, he replied. "Well, my wizard robes, pointy hat and sexy leopard print wizard g-string, why do you ask?"

After three seconds of violence, strong coughing was heard, as well as a voice going "Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, take me now!" Dumbledore laughed silently, and the poster gave him a thumbs up, grinning. Once the person on the phone recovered, they tried again. "Ok... err... um... OK. Is your Pensieve running?"

Is this the best they've got? "Erm... Yes?"He said sarcastically, rolling his eyes and knowing what was going to come next.

"WELL YOU BETTER GO CATCH IT!" The voice yelled, before cackling laughter was followed by the tone indicating the person had hung up.

"What the hell?!" Dumbledore shook his head and hung up, picking up his hairbrush-microphone for round two with his poster...

* * *

Voldemort was still laughing after he had hung up. He turned to Severus with his famous 'bitch please' look on his face. "Pretty good, huh?"

Severus sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by tissues, half of which were covered in blood as he supported the biggest nose bleed ever. "You think that was good? Tom, that was PATHETIC!" He shook his head, pushing the thought of Dumbledore in his G-string out of his head.

"WHAT?! Well lets see you do better!" Voldemort frowned. When Severus did little more than shake his head, he growled. "Come on! Give it your best shot!" He chucked his contract mobile into Severus's lap.

Determined, Severus nodded. "OK I will!" He replied as he pressed on Dumbledore's name...

* * *

Dumbledore sighed when his phone went off for the second time. He was perfecting his solo to 'When There Was Me and You', and was just reaching the best part. Annoyed, he answered the phone. "Who is this? I'm busy-er-ruling the school!"

Clearing their voice, the person on the other end spoke. "It's me! Your mama!" The voice spoke in a very phlegmy feminine voice.

Widening his eyes, Dumbledore realized automatically who the voice belonged to. "Umbridge?!" He cried in horror, praying it wasn't true.

The voice replied, sounding angry. "Dumbledore, did you get my texts!"

Oh god, it really was her, he thought, torn between hanging up, staying on the phone or killing himself. "Y-yes Umbridge, I received them all, including the pictures of yours and Firenze's kids-"

"Well, you didn't text me back!" The voice practically growled.

Widening his eyes, he started shaking. "Bu-but Umbridge, I d-don't have credit!"

"No excuses Dumbledore! You've been a lousy boyfrien' and an even lousier ex!"

"D-Dolores, I'm sorry!"

"NO! It's too late! I'm coing to get you Dumbledore, and i'll squash you, i'll squash you good! And those chillins? They'll be mine! ALL MINE!" With a slam, Dolores hung up.

Staring at the phone for a total of ten seconds, he slowly put the phone down, before turning to his Zefron poster. He'd also had trouble with Umbridge in the past. Both of them looked petrified, before letting out the longest, highest pitched screams they could make.

* * *

"Ohh oh my Goodness, that was GENIUS!" Screamed Voldemort, still chuckling. He high fived Severus, who was doing his silly chuckle-laugh.

"Wasn't it just? I spent waaay too long around Umbitch to know what she sounds like." He grinned at the thought of the witch being dragged into the forest, then frowned at the mental images that followed.

"Right... Down to business..."

* * *

The third time Dumbledore's phone rang, he had found himself a nice hiding spot under the table. He looked at the phone with pure terror.

"You know, you're gonna have to face her sometime" The Zefron poster looked at Dumbledore with pity.

He sighed. "I-I know."

"Just tell her this is the last time time sh's gonna mess you around! It's now or never."

The choice of words made Dumbledore smile, giving him the courage to get up and answer the phone. "Look, Dolores, I know I haven't been there - at ALL - but maybe we need to sit down and, talk, we are friends after al-"

"I'm not Umbridge." The voice said in a low, flat voice.

"Oh thank frigging Wizard God for that! I hate that woman so much! Hey, you're not the prank caller are you?" Dumbledore added, suspicious.

For a second, the voice paused. "Err... what prank caller?" He added sheepishly.

Dumbledore looked at the phone weirdly. "Meh, your story checks out." He shrugged them both off. "So who are you? How did you get this number?"

"My name is not important. I am an anonymous person." The voice paused. "Albus Dumbledore, you are in grave danger-"

Dumbledore interrupted. "Nothing new then, eh?" He laughed.

"Exactly. But this time, it could resort in you dying."

He paused in thought. "Well, I really don't want to die..."

"OK. Listen up. In the next few days ,one of the- er- Dark Lord's servant's is going to be sent to kill you."

"What? Tom is going to send someone to cut me out? How could he? I thought we were good rivals-" Dumbledore was genuinely upset.

For a second, Voldemort felt the guilt once again. "He doesn't want to, I can see that. That's why I'm ringing, to help him as well as you. "

"Promise he doesn't?"

"Cross my heart."

"Okay then!" Dumbledore automatically became cheerful. "So, how will they kill me?"

Voldemort tilted his head to the side. "Avada Kedavra probably. Do you have an anti-killing-curse shield or something?"

"I'm afraid I don't, sir. But I bet Snape can make a potion that will temporarily allow the killing curse to have no effect. He's so great like that."

On the other side of the phone, Severus looked at Voldemort with wide eyes. The phone was quite loud, so he could her every word going on. "I'm sure he does..." Severus nodded an affirmative to Voldemort that Dumbledore didn't hear.

Mistaking the man's tone for hostility, Dumbledore automatically started to defend Severus's honor. "How dare your tone suggest otherwise?! Severus Snape is the kindest, bravest, gentlest, SEXIEST man I've ever met! You don't even know him." Dumbledore snarled the last bit.

Christmas had come easrly for Severus, who was staring open mouthed at Voldemort, trying to control his heartbeat. Voldy couldn't think of how to reply. "Mmmm... Oh, one last thing, is there somewhere you can lie low for a while?"

Walking over to his table, Dumbledore picked up a Pigfarts pamphlet. "I can think of one or two places."

"Excellent. I'll ring back nearer to the date to confirm the plan in more detail OK? In the meantime, you get this potion off Severus."

"OK!"

"Well, hope you live! BYE!" He said the last word rather cheerfully.

"See you soon, Tom!" Dumbledore replied nonchalantly.

"AH GODDAMMIT DUMBLEDORE!" Voldemort snarled before slamming the phone down.

Dumbledore faced his poster. "What was that all about?" It asked, curious."

"Oh, someone's trying to kill me. Again."

"What a surprise.!" Voldemort's soul rolled his eyes.

"And you, the other you, warned me about it." He added with a smirk.

Wide eyed, the poster stuttered. "Wh- what? Really? Er- I mean- What other me? Zefron? Real life Zefron? EEEEK!"

Dumbledore ignored his spazzing friend and walked over the the window, where he wiggled his hips and started singing. "Pigfarts, Pigfarts, here, we come! Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yumyumyum..."

Let's leave him in peace, shall we?

* * *

"DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID! DID YOU! DID YOU! DID YOU! OHMYGAWD I LOVE THAT MAN SO MUCH I WANT HIS BABIES!" Severus pranced around the house, singing at the top of his voice.

"Yes, I heard! Let's just pray it works..." Voldemort sighed. He hoped now that it did, it wasn't worth losing his reputation if the person he was sacrificing it for didn't live.

"Oh it will Tom, it WILL! I'm gonna make the potion now. Bye bye bii! Disapparate!" Severus squealed excitedly, running out of the room.

Tom sighed. He was alone. "I hope I did the right thing, Quirrell." He said, a single tear falling from his eye.

A crash was heard, before Severus barged back through the door, slamming it shut behind him. The sound of shouting, screaming and scraping echoed through the no-longer-quiet room.. "Um, yeah, can I get changed out of the sexy Gay outfit? I've got Homosexuals fan-guying outside the door..."

* * *

(Two Weeks Later)

To this day, Dumbledore did not know why Tom did what he did. But almost everything had gone to plan. Thanks to the awesome potion that his amazing bestie made, and some really good acting, it was easy enough to fake his death. Only one thing didn't go to plan. He did not expect his bestie to be the one CASTING the spell. OK, Dumbledore had thought at the time, maybe it was part of Tom's plan, that Severus didn't WANT to kill him. But then he had gone and died! Worst of all? It was a snake to the wiener, and he wasn't there to help him. His heart had split in two, he'd been hiding in a cave up north, crying for weeks. Every single day, he would tell at least one person how much he loved Severus, his pledge to suck poison out of the worst parts, but he wasn't there to help him. He'd died, alone, never knowing how much Dumbledore appreciated, adored, loved him...

Crying, he packed the photo of them two together in Hogsmeade into his suitcase, along with his clothing. It was about time he went to Pigfarts, he'd left it too long. He'd called Rumbleroar to pick him up in ten minutes, since what was there left to do on this planet? Everything he lived for was gone.

It was as he thought this that the door slammed over and a voice cried "What the devil is going on hereeeeee?"

Dumbledore gasped and turned around, still holding the leopard print G-string he was just about to pack. "Se-severus?" His look of wonder turned to confusion as Severus glanced to the G string andhis nose literally exploded from a nosebleed. "What's wrong?"

"Er N-nothing..." Severus stuttered, grabbing his wand and stopping the bleed with a simple spell. "You weren't going to go without saying goodbye, were you?"

"Bu-but, you're meant to be dead!" Dumbledore stated, looking at Severus with wonder.

"Yes, I am, but so are you!" Severus replied simply, looking smug.

Raising a brow, Dumbledore nodded in agreement. "Are you a ghost?" He asked, tilting his head to the side.

Taken aback, Severus frowned. "What? No! That's absuuuurd!"

"So how did yo-" Dumbledore trailed off,thinking deeply on possible scenarios. His mouth dropped open as he made noises that would rival chimpanzees. "Ooh ooh ooh it was your twin brother the whole time wasn't it?"

"Yes, you little genius!" Severus cried, running up to Dumbledore and embracing you. "Now, I've come to ask you, Albus Dumbledore, will you-"

"Go out on a romantic date which will end in passionate sex and us living happily ever after, getting married and having little black haired, white bearded children? YES WIZARD GOD YES SEVERUS!" He cried, kissing him on the mouth.

For a second they kissed, before Severus pulled away. "Well, I was going to say can I come to Pigfarts with you, but going out works too!" He grinned before kissing him again.

They pulled away for a second time, looking at each other grinning. "You thinking what I'm thinking, my little snake?"

"Indeed my Professor."

They both screeched at the same time. "UPDATE FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS!" They giggled, reaching for their smartphones.

Literally two seconds after they confirmed their relationship, the phone went. "Hold on..." Dumbledore went to the phone. "Hello, Big D spe- Oh, hi! You're still alive then? Uh huh... In my office, wh-oh... erm sure! Give me ten seconds. Okay, see you in a bit. Byeeeee!" Dumbledore hung up.

"So, who was that?" Severus asked, as Dumbledore cast a spell, causing the office to emit blue light, like a shield.

Before Dumbledore could answer, a poof of smoke appeared in the centre of the room. A shadow appeared dramatically through the smoke.

"Hey Tommy!" Dumbledore grinned.

"Tom? HAI MAN!" Severus excitedly grabbed Dumbledore's hand as he looked in the direction of the smoke shadow.

"Hello, you crazy lovebirds. I see you guys have hit it off?" Voldemort's voice replied from inside the smoke.

"Yep! Err... you gonna come out of there?" Severus looked at Dumbledore confused, who merely shrugged.

Chuckling, Voldemort replied. "In a second. I have a surprise for you both."

Excited, the pair watched as Voldemort stepped out of the smoke, carrying someone in his arms, bridal-style. Wearing his prison outfit still, supporting a large ring on his finger, with Voldemort wearing a matching one, and looking at Voldemort dazed but with a loving expression on his face, was Quirinus Quirrell. The boy was placed down on the floor with care, and he leaned forward and kissed Voldemort on the lips sweetly.

"TOM YOU DID IT!" Severus cried.

Grinning, Voldemort nodded. Turning towards the source of the comment, Quirrell noticed Severus. "Snapey!" Quirrell cried, running towards the black haired man and embracing him.

"Quirrell man, I've missed you!" He cried, returning the hug eagerly.

"I've missed you too, bestie!"

Behind the hugging pair, both Voldemort and Dumbledore stood, side to side. Voldemort's eye twitched constantly, and Dumbledore narrowed his to counteract his wide open mouth. Both boys spoke simultaneously in high pitched voices filled with anger. "BESTIE!?"

**(Uh oh, here we go again! XD)**


End file.
